music · poems · relationships · vids

Shattering the setup

 Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.  If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

~Jean Kerr

 

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.  After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it.

~Mary Kay Blakely

 

Many divorces are not really the result of irreparable injury but involve, instead, a desire on the part of the man or woman to shatter the setup, start out from scratch alone, and make life work for them all over again.  They want the risk of disaster, want to touch bottom, see where bottom is, and, coming up, to breathe the air with relief and relish again.

~Edward Hoagland

in trying to perfect,
i destroy.
in trying to love,
i create hate.
in trying to build up,
i break down.
in trying to be free,
i imprison.
in trying to gain wisdom,
i bewilder.
in trying to explain,
i confound.
in trying to try,
it seems that
i
fail.

music · relationships · the girls · vids

Every day is Mother’s Day

momnmeSo. Today is Mother’s Day.

I couldn’t go home to see my mom this weekend, because of BethyGirl2’s soccer game last night, and a project due on Monday morning.  (By the way, she scored her first goal ever. Proud mommy am I.)   It was just too hard to squeeze in 8 hours on the road.  I know Mom understands, but I was pretty bummed about not seeing her. 

In my weird techygeekgirl way, I decided to change up my myspace a little… you know, change my default pic to a “Mom and me” pose…  and then realized that as my song, I had Hot in Herre by Jenny Owen Youngs. Not exactly jiving with the mom/daughter theme, if you get my drift. I proceeded to embark on a wild goose chase through myspace music to try and find a song that even remotely had to do with motherhood and its virtues… of course, one with some essence of cool about it. Because that’s how I roll.
But I digress.

I ended up going through my favorites, and found this song by Rosie Thomas. I had always liked how it sounded, but hadn’t really taken the lyrics in. (Which is sort of odd for me, because I’m usually very lyriccentric. yes I just made up a word…)
Gah. too much coffee tonight, I can’t seem to stay on track. Here’s the song, and just in case you’re on your way to a fire and can’t take the time to watch the video, here are the lyrics.

If you had any sort of awkward childhood, I think you’ll be able to relate to this song. Shoot, my own father told me that he thought I had the ‘longest awkward period in the history of awkward periods.’ Nice, huh? 😉 He’s right, by the way. (Love you, Pop.)

So. After watching and listening to the song, I really started thinking about how supportive my mom has been, not just in the past few years, which have been very tough, but throughout all of my strange, timid, geekorama existence.
Thanks mom…
for volunteering in my class,
being my girl scout leader,
teaching my ccd classes,
putting notes in my lunchbox,
giving the evil eye to the horrid popular girls in junior high,
making me list 10 good things about myself when I was 13,
talking to me and making sure that I knew I could talk to you,
paying mucho bucks for cheerleading camp and uniforms,
chaperoning my senior trip and somehow still being cool,
making me want to go to college,
paying for college,
paying for my wedding,
loving my girls,
loving me even when I wrote that awful letter (out of love, but still…),
respecting my choices even when you disagreed,
and supporting me in every single possible manner during the last 3 years, which have easily been the most character building of my 34 years of life.

There is absolutely no way that I could repay what you’ve given me. Having you for a mom is a privilege and a blessing.
Happy Mother’s Day.

church issues · mind blurbs · music · relationships

I.Love.This.

Dan, I’m sorry, but I’m totally stealing this from you. I adore Imogen Heap, and you have to share, that’s all there is to it. 😉

I’m leaving in an hour to go see someone from the church I used to attend. She’s one of the people I really felt a connection with; she was my friend. I’m kind of hoping to continue that friendship now; it’s been, wow, 10 years (is that right? I don’t know…) since I’ve seen her. I’m anxious, yet hopeful, that she wants to see me because of me, and not to ‘save’ me. I mean, I know her beliefs, generally, and I know that part of her religion is to preach it to others, so I’m pretty sure that’ll be part of it. I’m nervous. Can’t type what I’m feeling, really. I want her to see me and see that I’m not a bad guy, I’m not the enemy, I’m just a woman who couldn’t deal with those beliefs anymore. I don’t want to look at her and see her looking down at me. I want this to be about friendship, and not religion.

I guess I’ll know tonight, huh?

Wish me luck.

And Happy Cinco de Mayo to all you party people. Be careful.

music

I’ll let Sarah speak for me today.

Answer

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you cant look down
If it takes my whole life I wont break I wont bend
Itll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
youll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes a whole life I wont break I wont bend
Itll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
Youll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind.