2018

You may slip…

and call some lousy fuck your friend, but in the end — you’ll come out even. ~

Deb Talan,  Tell Your Story Walking

My heart has been broken for so long. I mean, not necessarily in a sad, dramatic way, more in the sense that it just. didn’t. work. anymore. Love at the wrong time and with the wrong person can be entirely devastating, and as luck may have it, I got to experience that several years ago. Several. Like way too many years ago. I did so many things to try to get past it.

  • drank
  • drank more
  • dated
  • dated more
  • decided to never date again
  • changed jobs
  • slept with the wrong people
  • dated a sensible man
  • got engaged to a sensible man
  • walked 500 miles (literally)

And somehow during all this, even though I was getting on with life, I knew that deep down my soul wasn’t where it should be. Relationship-wise, my heart just felt like it had a wall around it. It did, I guess. It was broken with a capital B. I had really really hoped that my Camino would repair it, and was so disappointed when it didn’t.

This is not a sad story.

A year ago I decided that I had to change things. I didn’t know what the outcome would be, but I knew I couldn’t remain stuck. If you know me at all, you know that’s one of my least favorite words, along with the word comfort, oddly. Anyway, I applied with every airline that was hiring and thought, if I end up alone, I end up alone. Ready to lose everything again, if I had to. (Besides my girls. I’ll never ever lose them <3)

So I got a job that took me far away from home for extended periods of time. This was a make it or break it thing, and I was prepared for either outcome.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been more surprised in my life. This job has satisfied my wanderlust and wiped out that stuck feeling. My relationship has never been this good, and I’ve never felt more solid with us than I do now. We’ve been engaged for FIVE FREAKING YEARS and for the first time in a long time I actually think we’ll tie the knot. This man has the patience of Job, dealing with me. Thank the good Lord above, I know it isn’t easy.

I’m not sure really, why I felt compelled to actually write all this. I love that I proved myself wrong. I love that I am able to have a life of my own and a life with him. I love that I have shown my girls to follow their dreams, no matter what. I love that I’ve realized that my relationship can be weird and puzzling for other people but perfect for me. I love again. Yay. My heart isn’t broken anymore. I came out even.

2016

A poem and a song

I will post about the Camino eventually. I have so many thoughts about it that it’s still hard to process, even though I’ve been home for nearly 2 months. I did it, and it was simultaneously the most difficult and most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. (Besides having my babies, of course.) One day when I have time and clarity I’ll write more about it.

In the meantime, here is a poem. And a song by a favorite. ❤

I Will Greet the Sun Again

I will greet the sun again
and the little river that once ran in me
and the clouds that were my ruminations
and the aching blooms of the poplar trees,
my companions in those seasons of drought.

I will greet the crowd of crows again,
who brought me their rich perfumes,
gifts from the gardens of night,
and my mother who lived in the mirror
and whose shape was my own in old age.

I will greet the earth again,
who in her lust to create me again,
fills her fiery belly with seeds of green.

I am coming, I am coming, I will come again,
with my long hair dripping the scent of the dirt,
with my eyes inflicting the density of darkness,
with brambles I’ve picked from the far side of the wall.

I am coming, I am coming, I will come again,
and the doorway will once more be filled with love
and I’ll greet the lovers standing in the doorway,
and the little girl there,
still standing in love.

-Forough Farrokhzad