the girls

I smell like Lysol.  ..or the 8 year olds. At all, I’m thinking. I’ve been cleaning up puke repeatedly now for 3 days, and I just want to say, officially, that it stinks.  Literally, figuratively, and everyly otherly wayly that you can think ofly.  [I’m tired, don’t laugh at me.] We were going to go to church in the morning.  Looks like we’ll be in line at the doc in the box instead.  Cheers.

relationships · the girls · work

January 10, 2007

Well hey, and crap. Knew this was going to happen…
I link this thing to my poetry and then give it to myspace. Ta-da! Instant afraid-to-say-what-I-wanna-say syndrome. Oh well. I’ll eventually talk to the 5 about it and see if it bothers him, cause what prompted today’s worry was that I was going to mention our little tiff last night. Gah. I hate when I do stuff that seems like a good idea at the time, and then backfires.

The girls: Are doing really well.. had a teacher conference with Abby’s teacher this morning. Eyes tremendously poufy due to the whole weirdness last night. I wasn’t really happy with Keith seeing that, since he SO knows what that pouf means. Happiness is the best revenge and dangit I don’t want him to think I have a care in the world. Oops. The girls. 🙂 Abby needs a swift kick in the pants to resume effort in math at school; she’s already taking 6th grade math in 5th grade, but I think she expected it to be as easy as it’s always been for her. Bless her heart, she’s just like me sometimes, with the tenderheartness… crying at the drop of a hat, when the teacher asks her if she needs help. Mrs Ortiz said today, and it made me cry (surprise)… “Abby seems to want to just suffer in silence. I just want her to be happy.” Amen. That’s what I want too. It just seems that she’s so intimidated by her teachers, and I guess at times… well, not so much intimidated as much as fearful of hurting mine and Keith’s feelings. She just doesn’t want to talk about things that bother her. I know that we need to get her out of that habit, or I’m going to lose her in teenagerdom. That scares me.
Kate’s rolling on as usual. Cracks me up… any issues she has with this divorce will result, not in academic problems, but in behavioral, I can tell. She has to write sentences with her spelling words, and apparently yesterday wrote a sentence using the word ‘mouth’… “Kelsey’s mouth just will not stop!” Oh geez louise, this kid. Even though it’s true, I can’t believe she wrote that and turned it in to her teacher. I would never have had the nerve.

The Job: Still loving it, utterly. I’m not as entertaining, perhaps, as some of the other cast members, but I do enjoy sparking a smile in some of our more weary guests. I like to think I give them enough cheer that they don’t grump up, cause really, who wants to be grumpy in Disney? or for that matter, hang out with ole grumpy grandpa?
I am having a bit of a time with the friends thing. Everyone I work with is either many years younger, or many years older. There’s no one there like me, ya know? But shoot, I’ve never had friends my own age… they’ve always been older. So now, I’m the old one, and it’s hard to get used to. I enjoy everyone SO much, but I feel SO different. I guess that’s the name of the game for me now. Sort of depressing. My best friend is miles and miles away in Ohio. which leads us to…

The love interest: Miss him terribly. Last night we had a tiff, sort of. Really just simultaneous grumpiness, I think. In any case, there was a little bit where we weren’t talking, just because it seemed like a train wreck, and neither of us could say anything right. In that time, I prayed, prayed that this would not fall apart. I am so entirely emotionally invested in this that it scares the bejeezus out of me. or the Jesus into me. you know what I mean. I remind myself over and over that I’m fine on my own, fine on my own… like a mantra. But I don’t want to be. If this doesn’t work out, I will be by myself for a very very long time. By choice. Because if this isn’t perfect, then I give up that perfect exists.

The church: Well, I think that Catholicism is winning… seems like I long to go Mass now… I’m still awfully confused about where I’m supposed to be. I’m hoping that at some point, it becomes clear to me. I have to get the idea out of my head that there is some awful WRONG choice. Cult mentality strikes again. It’ll come.

The house: Messy, but will be straight and lovely and de-Christmased by the weekend. Looks like I may have visitors every weekend til the end of the month. Should be fun. 🙂

The divorce: Seems wrong to have a love interest spot along with an unfinished divorce topic, doesn’t it? Well pfft on you if you think so. Walk in my shoes. 😉
I’m hoping within the next month that I’ll be a free woman. Poorer, dangit, but free.

Still lovin life, and happier than I have been in a really really long time.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
If you’re reading this, comment. I have to know who to be appropriately embarassed around.

pics · relationships · the girls · work

It’s late so here’s a title…

ok yeah this is really kinda funny…I can’t decide whether I’m gonna blog here, or my poetry blog, or on myspace, or just write in an old fashioned journal. My poor children are gonna have a helluva time trying to piece my mind together once I’m gone.
Lots to update since last time… guess I’ll go by topic, since that seemed to work well before. That last long post, even I won’t take the time to read. Well, not now, anyway. Not thinking anyone else would give a flying rats fanny, but that’s ok. ha. I’m rambling already. lovely.

The Job: Working at Disney now, and loving it. I’m in Adventureland, and working the Tiki Room and Aladdin’s Magic Carpets. The people I’m with are a joy for the most part, and the ones who aren’t, are fun to mock. So. all is well. I’m sure I’ll add more detail here later.

The love interest: Yay. JohnnyFive. In spite of his moody bluesness and his overly cynical views of the world around him, I still adore the man. I can’t help it. His intelligence, wit, and fierce loyalty inspire me… and I think I can help him out in the negativity department. I hesitate to say that, because, geez, I wouldn’t want to fool myself into thinking that I could change him. I really just would like to see him happier, and I think I’m just the woman who can do it, if anyone can. Hmm. Guess that’s the kicker. Can anyone? I really think that’s up to him.

I talked to the ex today, and discussed the possibility of being friends…. it was a long conversation… and to be honest, I wasn’t sure about how to go about it without jeopardizing his new relationship. Since I broke things off with him, I didn’t want a continued friendship to end up seeming like I was leading him on. Make sense? So anyway, I talked to John about it. Really talked to him, and told him how I felt. Normally I would have been scared to mention this other person, and I would have hidden the whole conversation, with probably no ill effect. But John doesn’t make me feel as if I have to. I know that he’ll listen to me, and that he knows me. I trust him completely, and finally feel as if I’m trusted as well. 🙂

The girls:
Seem to be doing really well. Kate had a sort of epiphany on Sunday. We were about to go out to eat after church (see The Church below) and Abby and I mentioned Steak n Shake. Kate announced that she hated that place… I was like…. wha? you always liked it. She went on to say that it made her remember Tallahassee too much, and all the good times we had there. I sort of butted on into that one, and said,”why would you want to forget that?” We discussed it for a few minutes, and she brought up the fact that “dad hates tallahassee”… so I had to deal with that. Easy enough, I just told her that I thought it was a shame to hate a place that held so many good memories for us, and that it was ok to think back on those times with happiness, instead of sadness. That’s what memories are for. Not to regret that we don’t live them right this second, but to realize and be thankful that we had those times at all. So anyway, gosh it’s taking me 400 years to get to the point here…. she ended up saying that she hates Orlando… I told her that I had an idea about where that feeling was coming from, and asked if she wanted to hear what I thought about it. She said yes.. so I told her that I thought that what she hated wasn’t Orlando, necessarily, but perhaps what happened once we got here. The divorce. (or geez, the separation, since the darn thing is not coming easily…) So, she cried when I said that, and we really got to discuss the fact that the divorce was something that would have happened even if we had stayed in Tallahassee. I’m rambling now, but in the end, Kate said that she felt better now that we had talked about it. I’m glad that she was able to show some emotion concerning it all, and that she was open to talking about it. Abby of course, never said a word, but I knew she was listening. Hope some of that sunk in.

The Church: Aah, the quest for a church that isn’t a cult! It’s been a long hard road for me, religionwise. I’m closer to God now than ever before, and funnily enough (is funnily a word?) I’m more confused about God than ever before. Odd. I’m not sure where to go to worship Him, but I feel His presence much more than I have in the past 16 years that I’ve been culty. I’m thankful for my confusion. I’m convinced that in the end, wisdom will grow from it.
So we visited the United Methodist congregation on Sunday, and the girls seemed to really like it. They were having the Christmas Cantata, which I’m sure killed the exhub when he heard about it. Christmas? In a church? Unscriptural! Unfounded! Not in accordance with God’s Will! (I’m not buying it.) Anyway, the music was beautiful, and I cried, celebrating the birth of Jesus in a religious way, in church, for the first time in 16 years. Words cannot express.

The House: Crap on a stick. It’s a mess.
The Parents: Are coming on Wednesday. I’d better hurry the heck up.

I’m glad you’re here. No one knows about you, and I don’t think I’ll be telling anytime soon.

pics · the girls

heck yeah we bowled

Well, we went bowling. Had a great time… funny how Kate and I were neck and neck almost the whole time. We played twice, and we each won one. Guess I can’t complain too much. She kept wanting to practice high fiving me, which was awesome. We ate horrid bowling alley food… usually I like that sort of thing, but not so much at this place… even Kate had issues with it.

Quote of the day from Kate:
“Mom, you know, if a robber came by and stole my chicken nuggets, I wouldn’t even mind!”

organization · pics · relationships · the girls

Do nuns have maids?

Geez it’s bad when I’m procrastinating my Procrastination Blog.

Guess it was to be expected.

The Job: called too late, he’s already filled the position. I had a whole conversation with myself over whether it “wasn’t meant to be” or if my laziness cost me something cool. I’d prefer to choose option a. Something else will come along.

The Divorce: postponed til September, looks like. I’m SOOO ready for all this to be done, so I can get on with my life. I’ve sort of already started doing that, hence the next category….

The Love Interest: Found my best best friend from highschool, who just happens to also be my first love. I’m trying desperately not to hang on to past emotions as far as he’s concerned. He always makes me laugh, and I can be myself with him. He knows all my hopes and fears about my future.. namely that I’m scared to death of repeating past mistakes, and that I’m thinking of just becoming a nun, to avoid future complications. Right now he’s just being a great source of support for me, and he tells me what I need to hear. Filling best friend status smashingly.

The Girls:

Are fabulous… Abby’s at camp in Tampa right now… church camp with my old church. No shorts, no tank tops, swimming in shorts and a t-shirt, even when she’s only with other girls. Irks me to death, but she loves the camp, so I’m not going to have a fit about it. I just don’t want her thinking that that’s how the real world works, so I have work to do with her, to counteract that ‘us vs them’ mentality of those folks. More on that later, I’m sure.
Kate and I have been chilling out here, not doing a whole lot… but we’re going bowling this afternoon, maybe I’ll end up with some pics from that to show later. This may be the only way I end up ‘scrapbooking’… and what’s funny is that most folks that I know won’t even be seeing it. I’ll just share with you guys. 😉

The Apartment: Is a disaster. I swear, I need ADD meds or a maid. I can’t decide which. I just can’t seem to focus on getting things straight. It just seems so unimportant to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love for things to neat and pretty, but I just get overwhelmed looking at it.

Just noticed that I have 2 different fonts going on. ha. oh well.

Ok that’s it for now, I’m gonna hop in the shower.