if you are defending me against all the terrible things they’re surely saying. I have defended you.

To Lolly, just now.

“Maybe I’ll be the cat lady.  But at least I’ll have stories and can warn my grandchildren about all my mistakes.”

Going through old myspace blogs today, I came across an old post that helped me out a great deal 6 years ago. Thought I’d share.

This article had a really big impact on me several years ago. I’ve read it over and over.  It’s still floating around in the Oprah Mag archives, but I felt the need to post it somewhere else so I’d always know where to find it.  Maybe it’ll help some other poor lost soul as well.  Joy is waiting.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but how do you know when the time is right?

Psychologist Judith Sills helps you check the vital signs.

A relationship is destructive if it feels scary, cold, or flat-out unfriendly—and you’re staying because you dream it will change or because “it’s better than being alone.” If tension has hardened into contempt, admit it: This isn’t better than being alone. This is being alone but with a lead weight on your back.

If you don’t have a strong intuition to light your way, how do you know when the not-so-great-but-maybe-good-enough relationship is kaput? The answer lies in what you want and need, in the compromises with which you choose to live, and in the hard choices you’re able to make. You answer the tough questions by knowing yourself, acknowledging your obligations, and living by your values.

Sure, you’ll want to discuss these issues with him, but his responses are just one source of information. Your best decision will come from looking as deeply into yourself as you do the relationship.

Examine your history. If you usually want to back out at this point, you may need to stay longer and risk coming closer.

When you see your part, and you’re either unwilling or unable to do what is necessary to improve things, or if your efforts are insufficient and he’s not able to make up the difference, you know the romance is dead. Leave? Well, maybe.

If you have children the obligation to provide them with the stable scaffolding they need to become solid grown-ups with rocky romances of their own may mean that you’ll never openly declare this union over and gone. Your decision to go or stay will reflect your core beliefs about parenting, money, family, social status, a permanent New Year’s Eve date, and all those other difficult issues that we iced over with the buttercream of being in love.

If you decide to cut your losses, I suggest you create a vivid, positive vision for your future. See it, say it, meditate on it, write it down, flash on it at every red light. When you catch yourself thinking you’re too old, too poor, too weak, or too needy to make a change, laugh in your own face.

Letting go hurts. But staying, once you’ve decided the relationship is really over, means being buried alive. Face your decision with courage, kindness, and a galloping leap of faith. Joy is waiting.

–> –> –> –>Excerpted from the March 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.

 

Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece

…and The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

ok…almost everything. xx

*edit* so you can’t watch them on the site…you have to go to youtube. thanks a lot, Sony. ‘Preciate it.

*another edit* — fixed it! now you can watch them here.

It’s the beginning of a new year. In reading old blog entries, I see that I announced that 2008 was the year of purpose. Interesting.. I got a lot done that year. I don’t believe any year since has had such a declaration…so yep, you guessed it, I’ll be doing some declaring.

This year is an important one. Alimony runs out … and while I’m scared to death about it, in a way it’s what I need to feel completely free of all the baggage that my 14 year marriage created. Finally I will not be relying on someone else. In any capacity. No longer beholden to anyone. The statue of limitations on blaming my behavior on marriage things has run out. No more “My house is messy because I’m rebelling” or “I keep people at an arm’s length because I’m afraid they’re judging me.” No more self preservation of the destructive kind. I’m ready to do things that scare me again.

It’s sink or swim time, and I seem to do my best during these moments. There’s something in me that enjoys proving wrong the naysayers.

I actually have goals for the year 2011. I know, it’s weird, right..? Well, it is if you know me. Goals are not usually my cup of tea. I made a corny poster and everything! Something to look at every day. Something to motivate me. I’ve made a couple of realizations here recently.

• First, my ‘n’ key is sticking. That’s the most recent realization. And probably the least important, but I felt it should be included.
• Expectation is not a dirty word. For the past several years, I’ve lived in fear of expectations. I’ve been paralyzed at the thought of letting people down, at not living up to some standard. I created a mindset that didn’t allow for actually living UP to an expectation, because the fear of failure was so overwhelming. When I felt the pressure, I became a hermit. In so doing, I let many people down. .. and finally realized that…here it is, the big one:
• There is something worse than people expecting something from you – people expecting nothing from you. Many times I’ve joked that the secret to my success in dealing with people (if I have any at all) is to keep expectations low. Rethinking that.

When I started writing this little ditty, I had an entirely different declaration in mind, but now that I’ve gone off on the previous tangent, I think I’ll declare 2011 as The Year of Expectations. Because that scares the shyte out of me. Yay!
With that said, here are my expectations for the next 12 months.

I expect that I will:
1. Pay off the IRS. (don’t ask)
2. Have guests over once a month, beginning in February. Comment if you’d like to reserve a month.
3. Get 8 hours of sleep most nights.
4. Find and keep a job with benefits
5. Get new furniture – couch, new beds for the girls
6. Work out 3 times a week
7. Enjoy my morning cup o’ joe at home instead of paying mounds of moolah for it.
8. Get a passport so that when I win the lottery I can immediately book my flight to Fiji.
9. Eat out no more than 4 times per week
10. Use my handy dandy SuperFlipper
Laugh if you must, but it’s the only thing that has actually worked for me.

So there you have it.
Just a word of advice to friends and family: I will punch you in the eye if you decide to be nagalicious about these expectations of mine. xo

So I walk in the kitchen this morning, glasses on, hair askew, and Nathan is sitting there. First thing he says to me:

“Diddy, you look just like the mom from the wimpy kid movie. I think if you went in the line, they would pick you!”

I guess maybe I do. Should I go get in the line? 🙂

with a new year on the way, memories of past years emerge. funny which ones decide to surface.

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.