It’s the beginning of a new year. In reading old blog entries, I see that I announced that 2008 was the year of purpose. Interesting.. I got a lot done that year. I don’t believe any year since has had such a declaration…so yep, you guessed it, I’ll be doing some declaring.
This year is an important one. Alimony runs out … and while I’m scared to death about it, in a way it’s what I need to feel completely free of all the baggage that my 14 year marriage created. Finally I will not be relying on someone else. In any capacity. No longer beholden to anyone. The statue of limitations on blaming my behavior on marriage things has run out. No more “My house is messy because I’m rebelling” or “I keep people at an arm’s length because I’m afraid they’re judging me.” No more self preservation of the destructive kind. I’m ready to do things that scare me again.
It’s sink or swim time, and I seem to do my best during these moments. There’s something in me that enjoys proving wrong the naysayers.
I actually have goals for the year 2011. I know, it’s weird, right..? Well, it is if you know me. Goals are not usually my cup of tea. I made a corny poster and everything! Something to look at every day. Something to motivate me. I’ve made a couple of realizations here recently.
• First, my ‘n’ key is sticking. That’s the most recent realization. And probably the least important, but I felt it should be included.
• Expectation is not a dirty word. For the past several years, I’ve lived in fear of expectations. I’ve been paralyzed at the thought of letting people down, at not living up to some standard. I created a mindset that didn’t allow for actually living UP to an expectation, because the fear of failure was so overwhelming. When I felt the pressure, I became a hermit. In so doing, I let many people down. .. and finally realized that…here it is, the big one:
• There is something worse than people expecting something from you – people expecting nothing from you. Many times I’ve joked that the secret to my success in dealing with people (if I have any at all) is to keep expectations low. Rethinking that.
When I started writing this little ditty, I had an entirely different declaration in mind, but now that I’ve gone off on the previous tangent, I think I’ll declare 2011 as The Year of Expectations. Because that scares the shyte out of me. Yay!
With that said, here are my expectations for the next 12 months.
I expect that I will:
1. Pay off the IRS. (don’t ask)
2. Have guests over once a month, beginning in February. Comment if you’d like to reserve a month.
3. Get 8 hours of sleep most nights.
4. Find and keep a job with benefits
5. Get new furniture – couch, new beds for the girls
6. Work out 3 times a week
7. Enjoy my morning cup o’ joe at home instead of paying mounds of moolah for it.
8. Get a passport so that when I win the lottery I can immediately book my flight to Fiji.
9. Eat out no more than 4 times per week
10. Use my handy dandy SuperFlipper
Laugh if you must, but it’s the only thing that has actually worked for me.
So there you have it.
Just a word of advice to friends and family: I will punch you in the eye if you decide to be nagalicious about these expectations of mine. xo