camino de santiago · goals · My Issues...? · relationships

I should go.

I’m a big picture person. Always have been. Considering my so far 6 year stint as a trivia host, it’s a little funny. Details don’t really stick in my head. I remember feelings, and faces, and gists of things. In some ways, this serves me very well. I have the ability to forgive easily, because truthfully I just don’t recall the wrongs done to me. (Don’t worry, my mom reminds me, she remembers EVERYTHING.) So basically, if my overall impression of someone is positive, then that’s what sticks with me. In the long run, this helps me to remain generally happy. Here’s the thing, though. By not remembering less-than-savory actions/intentions of others, I romanticize. I get stuck – and I am completely aware of it when I do it. (You’ve seen the god-awful posts.) There are those few people who, if I really thought about it, I would realize that they didn’t have my interests in mind, but that damn overall impression is so good that I forgive it — well, not necessarily forgive it, but I just don’t think of their shortcomings at all. Only that delightful, fluffy, warm fuzzy kind of feeling they gave me. The older I get, the more I realize how damaging it is, and I have to force myself to come out of the old and fully come into the new.  Someone who cares about you doesn’t hurt you on purpose. End of story. And a relationship like that doesn’t deserve fond memories, or a place in my brain.

So this is where I’ve been. Stuck remembering things as good when, in fact, they were just built on lies and pretend lives and some weird need to be paid attention to. I’ve written about it before but I’m sick of thinking about it. I need some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind kind of shit, lol. If I’m being honest, that’s what I’m really looking for in my September Camino – the ability to see things as they really are and MOVE ON. My brain surprises and disappoints me with its inability to do this. I need a bigger experience to dwell on. I’m ready for Autumn. ❤

Sometimes you’re Summer, sometimes you’re Tom.

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